Testing out email blog posts from my phone...

Hey all, since getting a new phone meant an epic upgrade in features, I wanted to see if I could use it to blog post, sovling the issues I had when on Holiday... Big love xxx

Snap back to reality...

So I have returned from holiday...

Sadly this means I need to return to the reality I was escaping from... but hopefully the break will continue to do be good despite the fact that it is now over...

I do now have to get back into a routine of health...

The meals I was eating on holiday were good... always vegetables, mostly pasta dishes... only two fast food meals the whole time... and I even stuck to the bran-flakes breakfast...

I was saddened to give up my daily bike rides... I had to find another way of keeping fit... so I tried swimming every day... this turned out to be the most depressing part of the holiday... not to say that the swimming wasn't enjoyable... but the fact that I used to be so much better at it... I could breast-stroke fast and for ages without any signs of fatigue... yet now a few lengths would force me to take a breather with sore shoulders... and the amount of time I could spend underwater without feeling breathless was stupidly low... now I suppose I could cope with this one as no-one else knew I had reduced in performance... so it didn't really matter... but I had to couple this with the serious lack of beach body and some unflattering old shorts... and the cherry on that mood killer sundae... not a single girl close to my age in the whole pool... what a joke haha

Now I don't want my readers few to think that I have slipped back into the old depressant ways as soon as the holiday ends... because I can still rant and bitch as a cheerful person lol...

Ok so alcohol... the big one... I did drink whilst on holiday, as I said I would... but not in huge excess so it wasn't a severe system shock... I was also under the influence of weed at a few points... sitting in a hot boxed car several nights... and one one night I cooked a pasta BAKE for six... but tbh... I really don't see what the big fuss about it is... its just like getting drunk... only you feel more detached head-from-body... it's not addictive... and it's not dangerous... personally I see it as no worse than alcohol... this said and done... I said I would go back on the T-Total after the holiday, and I am true to my word... even in the situation last night of "go on, just one, no-one has to know, I'll buy you it..." which I surprised myself with... and I have decided that so as to be consistent with my thoughts... I will include weed with alcohol in my T-Total coverage... lets see how long it can last...

As for cycling... for me the easiest one to do... especially with the weather picking up :) ... although I didn't get a decent length of ride on the first day back, I manage to get a huge ride with the lads later today... so all is well :D

Until next time lads n ladies... big love x

Holiday From Real Continued...

So it is now the third day of my holiday... and with each passing day I'm feeling alot better... perhaps I did just need a holiday... I really don't understand it... but I'm not in anyway complaining... it's great... I think I'm finally me again...

And that's not to say that I have ever been someone else... because I made sarcastic remarks on a very similar status... to which the poster didn't see the funny side... which just added to the ammusement... with the following: "Person Fish became a fan of: I CAN take a joke actually, you're just being a dick"... ROFL MAO...

Anyways RANDOM TANGENT XP...

Yer... I mean to say I feel like I am the way I should be now... which is good... because I didn't like the way things were going... who I was becoming... so... I guess for now things are all good... love and peace...

Holiday From Real...

So today I wake up feeling new... different... better... ... I'm not entirely sure what it is... I'm certainly not saying it's just waking up without a hangover after my first time drunk in a while... though I'm sure that helped... but I'm pretty sure I'm feeling alot happier than I have been recently... and that is undoubtedly a good thing...

As in my last post I included an updated scrubs quote... the amount I hate it when such good things are squandered... but today, seeing it happen... I felt different somehow... I saw it as almost funny, rather than with disdain as before... which while maybe not healthy is certainly an improvement... perhaps all I needed was to be on a holiday, because this is only the first day and things seem so much better... so I can't wait for the next day... and the next... and who knows what I will be like by the end of it all... but hopefully something for the good eh? ... so almost in advance... a HUGE thanks to MD... love ya...

until next time bitches...

Scrubs QOTD Revisited...

So I'm on holiday now, but I feel the need to blog this... as I said I am taking the week off from my no drinking... I am still trying to eat healthily though, and will do my best to exercise daily (though sadly I failed today)

The main part of this post was initially written on my phone, but the trouble is it broke... so I lost it... but I think I can vaguely remember it... so here goes

This was a variation on a scrubs quote I posted earlier...

Because when I lay awake at night staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to... I take no comfort from... wait... it sickens me... that those lucky bastards who take for granted what they have... abuse it... and waste it... don't even have a clue how lucky they are!.. they waste and squander what I would as near as literally kill to have... I'm not even kidding... I can't stand it... I have to force myself to bite my tongue in these situations... it sickens me...

An example I can give... the one that inspired me to write this now as apposed to later... for the past week (though I'm sure it is more) I have been craving a cuddle, so much that it seriously hurts... and I don't want to sound like a whiny sensitive bitch but I can't help it... I miss cuddles... not huggs... proper long cuddles... a bit of intimacy... but in a nice affectionate way... not sexually... so when I girl asks you for a cuddle... and you ignore her... I don't even have the words to describe what the FUCK is wrong with you... a chance I would just not pass up... it made me hurt inside so fucking much... ok... so I may be a little oversensitive 'cause I'm at least half-cut now... on a pitiful 3 pints haha... but ah well...

Now one thing to add... Is I am very thankful to the one girl who I can still get cuddles off, although she is totally just a friend... but it was so nice, for the whole song that it lasted... I guess it's worth coming back to my home town for... but for lack of wanting to sound even more pathetic than I already do... I'ma leave this blog-post where it is...

Erm... and just for the record... I'm not going to edit this now, to keep the truth and stuff... so I'll post this when I next get internet connection... peace out and big love :)

Can Has Motivation?

So where the fuck did I go wrong...

I used to think that academically my life has always been on track... without wanting to brag, or sound like a self-obsessed prick, ever since doing my first SATs at the age of 7 I have generally speaking been within the top few achievers in my school, winning awards for academic excellency in both primary school and high school...

But more recently I haven't been performing to the potential I know I have... and to clarify the time zone I mean probably 3 years now...

At A level I got ABB... now don't get me wrong this is an excellent result for anyone... but my A was only just, mainly due to the fact that I excelled in my work at AS which allowed me to somewhat coast the 2nd year... Both B grades where very close to the A grade, 2 or 3 marks each... which in itself was abit gutting, but when I think of how I could have tried so much harder, revised so much more... I really didn't fully apply myself, I took my natural intelligence for granted instead of using it to allow me to excel... I ended up having to re-learn one of my modules 3days before the exam...

Now I guess that wasn't really such a huge problem... while it did mean that I missed out on a bursary of upto £3000 for AAA, I still managed to get into my first choice university... so I hadn't exactly lost anything...

The Trouble is... when you think that would have been a big kick up the backside for me, and the perfect motivation for me to get my arse in gear and not make the same mistakes again... but it's not working like that... my first module results were great, I tried in the 2 modules that interested me, and excelled in these, but then one module I didn't like I got little over half... taking the other as a given but doing better than I deserved... again, perhaps a hint for me to sort things out... but no...

Now semester 2 is about half way through... I would estimate I am about 1 month behind with work and lectures and stuff... and I seem to be totally incapable of doing anything about it... as I mentioned in earlier posts... recently my attendance has been a joke, and I have alot of that to catch up on... not to mention the coursework that needs to be in just after the holidays and I have yet to make any real progress with it... and while that really bothers me... I seem to lack the mental capacity to do anything about it...

I was searching in my mind (across the vast empty caverns)... trying to find a route to this problem... so I can tell you... my followers as it were... something I don't think I've ever told anyone, and I'm ashamed to admit it... I guess it is the one thing in my life I can say I truly regret (sorry Twin 1 I said nothing at the time because in all honestly this had slipped my mind)... so here goes...

In year 11 I was in the middle of a really bad relationship... obviously I liked it at the time, and foolishly I would do anything for her... it was a given that I was smarter than her, I never flaunted this fact in anyway, but it really bothered her, she had some kind of superiority complex which made her need to be the best at everything... something at which she failed... but this lead to her getting very angry at me if I beat her at a subject we both did... or even our alternate options if there was some kind of comparison... so basically she was angry at me quite alot... now her anger for a singular piece of work contributing perhaps 1/10th of 20% of one subject was bad enough (usually a day of silent treatment followed by a further day of shouting and anger) so I dreaded to think what would happen if I slaughtered her in an overall grade...... basically the home truth I am building up to is that I took a dive in some of my exams... well 4 subjects actually... I think about 8 exams in total... History, English Lit, English Lang, and RE 1/2 course... Basically I was just writing really slowly or not doing much, for example the history exam comprised of three questions, two long one short, I would answer only one of the long ones, but do so thoroughly, limiting myself to about half of the marks on the paper, and so dragging down my overall grade the four subjects mentioned I got B,B,C,C respectively... which is still good, but nothing compared to my 9 A* 2 A grades for the rest of the subjects I took getting nearly 100% in some subjects...

Before anyone thinks I am just ex bashing, the pattern doesn't quite end there... after breaking up with here half way through my 2nd year of A levels... I fell for another girl... and stupidly I spent as much time as possible with her when I should have been revision and doing work... and although this was pointed out to me... I chose to ignore it... and I did the same with seeing friends who I hadn't really seen for ages when I was with the aforementioned bitch... but for no blame on either of the recently mentioned's behalf... totally my own doing...

All in all... I need to find some way to motivate myself to achieve what I know I easily can if I only apply myself properly... because this is my future... my degree will be the basis of my future employability... my degree will be the basis of my future... and I can't just sit by and let it slip down the drain as it seems I have been doing recently... I don't know what's wrong with me... I used to be so good at this... I used to be a better person, or so it seems... I wonder how I can get back there... perhaps it's all in my head... or perhaps it is my head... I don't know... but something's got to change......

Update again

I managed to survive another Monday night out, despite the streams of people asking about why I wasn't drinking, and a few people attempting to use emotional blackmail to get me to drink...

This was my first sober Monday in a while... tbh it was abit weird... I felt alot more self concious as expected, but I didn't realise how much I'd come to rely on alcohol to break down my inhibitions to loosen up and actually dance freely... as always I was fine with songs I knew and really liked, but when it came to songs I didn't really know or like... well I have to say I felt pretty awkward... I decided to take the hyper route instead and neck a can of kick which certainly helped... either that or the music picked up then lol... but all in all, I felt great the next day... I felt healthier... and a night out for just £2 can't be bad :)

Random and short again... but more significant content is on its way haha xxx

Update...

Well I said I would try and keep updates going, as much for me as for you...

Cycling has been kept up, everyday riding a decent distance and getting some good exercise :) I also played a match of ice/roller hockey on Saturday, which was great but left me sore, I pulled muscles I forgot I had lol...

Healthy Eating has been going pretty well also, there has been one unhealthy day, but generally I have stuck to it well :)

The most surprising one is Alcohol I have yet to drink following my designated last drunken Monday, so that is 1week tomorrow, which sounds not hugely impressive, but I have been to two house parties and an evening at the pub sitting at the same table as my pathetically petty ex girlfriend (a rant for another night perhaps...)... One factor that will help spur me on is the introduction of a challenge element... I found out that GeeGee had decided not to drink for a while as well so now it is a challenge to see who can last the longest (no pun intended haha) so this means I am now going to be incredibly suborn about it and most likely succeed for alot longer than I otherwise would have... I am of course not including my holiday in this challange 9th till the 16th but this was agreed at the time so is all gravy :)

More to come soon I'm sure, so for now I'll love ya 'n' leave ya ;) xxx