Can Has Motivation?

So where the fuck did I go wrong...

I used to think that academically my life has always been on track... without wanting to brag, or sound like a self-obsessed prick, ever since doing my first SATs at the age of 7 I have generally speaking been within the top few achievers in my school, winning awards for academic excellency in both primary school and high school...

But more recently I haven't been performing to the potential I know I have... and to clarify the time zone I mean probably 3 years now...

At A level I got ABB... now don't get me wrong this is an excellent result for anyone... but my A was only just, mainly due to the fact that I excelled in my work at AS which allowed me to somewhat coast the 2nd year... Both B grades where very close to the A grade, 2 or 3 marks each... which in itself was abit gutting, but when I think of how I could have tried so much harder, revised so much more... I really didn't fully apply myself, I took my natural intelligence for granted instead of using it to allow me to excel... I ended up having to re-learn one of my modules 3days before the exam...

Now I guess that wasn't really such a huge problem... while it did mean that I missed out on a bursary of upto £3000 for AAA, I still managed to get into my first choice university... so I hadn't exactly lost anything...

The Trouble is... when you think that would have been a big kick up the backside for me, and the perfect motivation for me to get my arse in gear and not make the same mistakes again... but it's not working like that... my first module results were great, I tried in the 2 modules that interested me, and excelled in these, but then one module I didn't like I got little over half... taking the other as a given but doing better than I deserved... again, perhaps a hint for me to sort things out... but no...

Now semester 2 is about half way through... I would estimate I am about 1 month behind with work and lectures and stuff... and I seem to be totally incapable of doing anything about it... as I mentioned in earlier posts... recently my attendance has been a joke, and I have alot of that to catch up on... not to mention the coursework that needs to be in just after the holidays and I have yet to make any real progress with it... and while that really bothers me... I seem to lack the mental capacity to do anything about it...

I was searching in my mind (across the vast empty caverns)... trying to find a route to this problem... so I can tell you... my followers as it were... something I don't think I've ever told anyone, and I'm ashamed to admit it... I guess it is the one thing in my life I can say I truly regret (sorry Twin 1 I said nothing at the time because in all honestly this had slipped my mind)... so here goes...

In year 11 I was in the middle of a really bad relationship... obviously I liked it at the time, and foolishly I would do anything for her... it was a given that I was smarter than her, I never flaunted this fact in anyway, but it really bothered her, she had some kind of superiority complex which made her need to be the best at everything... something at which she failed... but this lead to her getting very angry at me if I beat her at a subject we both did... or even our alternate options if there was some kind of comparison... so basically she was angry at me quite alot... now her anger for a singular piece of work contributing perhaps 1/10th of 20% of one subject was bad enough (usually a day of silent treatment followed by a further day of shouting and anger) so I dreaded to think what would happen if I slaughtered her in an overall grade...... basically the home truth I am building up to is that I took a dive in some of my exams... well 4 subjects actually... I think about 8 exams in total... History, English Lit, English Lang, and RE 1/2 course... Basically I was just writing really slowly or not doing much, for example the history exam comprised of three questions, two long one short, I would answer only one of the long ones, but do so thoroughly, limiting myself to about half of the marks on the paper, and so dragging down my overall grade the four subjects mentioned I got B,B,C,C respectively... which is still good, but nothing compared to my 9 A* 2 A grades for the rest of the subjects I took getting nearly 100% in some subjects...

Before anyone thinks I am just ex bashing, the pattern doesn't quite end there... after breaking up with here half way through my 2nd year of A levels... I fell for another girl... and stupidly I spent as much time as possible with her when I should have been revision and doing work... and although this was pointed out to me... I chose to ignore it... and I did the same with seeing friends who I hadn't really seen for ages when I was with the aforementioned bitch... but for no blame on either of the recently mentioned's behalf... totally my own doing...

All in all... I need to find some way to motivate myself to achieve what I know I easily can if I only apply myself properly... because this is my future... my degree will be the basis of my future employability... my degree will be the basis of my future... and I can't just sit by and let it slip down the drain as it seems I have been doing recently... I don't know what's wrong with me... I used to be so good at this... I used to be a better person, or so it seems... I wonder how I can get back there... perhaps it's all in my head... or perhaps it is my head... I don't know... but something's got to change......