"Life"

So there's no way I can window dress this to make it any less shit.

On Tuesday night my aunt died.

It was untimely, and unjust. If I were any sort of believer I would be having a crisis of faith right now. But I'm not. So I'm just having a crisis.

My sleeping plan has gone to shit. I can barely get to sleep, wake up repeatedly during the night, and when I do wake for the final time, I wish I hadn't. I feel so exhausted that I just lay there in a semi-concious state until I have to get up.

I really don't know what to do with myself. Or do about this. I know I haven't been hit as hard as the others in my family. But this is the first family death I've been through in my lifetime. It's not something anyone should ever have to get used to.

I don't know to what extent I will be continuing with my project of self betterment. While I want to I just don't see the point, or have any drive to bother. I'm quite happy - though I use the term losely - to sit and just be.