It seems I can't do anything for me, I've been trying all morning to get myself to revise and nothing has worked. Yet as soon as she comes online, as soon as I'm doing it for her, I find motivation I thought was beyond myself. It's stupid. I don't know why I'm like this. I'd always viewed myself as someone who did things for me. If I change who I am, I do it because I want to, not for anyone else, with all due respect, fuck the world.
For a lot of my life, I'd always been trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. Throughout a lot of school I was doing my best for my parent's. I always felt like I was compared to my sister. So trying to beat her academically was my way of being accepted by my parents. Then there was the big ex. Strangely for her I was less than what I could have been, I threw a fair bit away for her, but it was still motivation.
Then I don't really know what there was after that. I cruised a bit, got by for a while on natural ability, I regret not making the most of exams that will define the rest of my life. With hind-sight perhaps I should have taken a year out at this point. Fucked off round the world and found myself, then came back and actually tried hard. But the realist in me agrees with the sceptic who says it wouldn't have changed anything.
So now I find myself in a strange place. I really want to do something for me. Make something of myself that I can be proud of, regardless of what everyone else thinks. With cycling this is easy to a degree, but it's always going to come down to wanting to be better than others, my desire to compete consumes me in that respect. But this much is only good while I stick with it, short of me getting signed (which while I like to dream, I'm 99% sure I never will be) it's not going to effect the rest of my life greatly. My degree on the other hand will do. I want to do it, and do it well for me. I'm hoping that working and living in London for a year will help me man the fuck up, grow the fuck up and come back to do well at it, not for my parents, not for her, but for me.
Don't get me wrong here, I love my course. But I'm not sure it's the one I wanted to do. I knew what I wanted to do before I came here, but was persuaded to be more general as it was too specialist. I'm not sure I regret it, but sometimes when I see those modules that I crush with ease and seem to have infinite inspiration/motivation for, I can't help but wonder if I might have been better off. I'm strongly considering diversifying into a masters in my specific. I'll do a lot better in it, I'll enjoy it, it'll propel me into that field, and if I don't manage the 1st I should really be getting comfortably in this... well it'll top it up and overshadow it. I'll leave Uni with the final qualification that represents my ability.
"When you please others in hopes of being accepted, you lose you self-worth in the process." - Dave Pelzer
Monday, 13 June 2011
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Trends of Social Media
It seems the "Fuck-Up" is step one to "Famous", a lot of virals are people who are just stupid, getting views for all the wrong reasons. Some of them actually believe they're getting general public appeal, when really we just love to see them fail. I would almost feel sorry for them if it wasn't for how much their stupidity offends me.
I have no love for "Dun Goofed" and the likes, if someone on the internet has taken pleasure in mocking you, then how his videoing and uploading yourself crying about it and saying more of the same things you were mocked for originally going to help things?
Or an ever growing trend in people ranting about things that piss them off or "offend" them (yes I appreciate the irony but bear with me those who call hypocrisy). This IS okay in itself, but try to form a logical argument. When you're complaining about hating by hating on someone else, you're a part of the problem, not the solution. I'm sure you've all the one (or atleast seen national tv spoofs of [yes it got that much fame]) the ginger kid who was angry about the gingers don't have souls joke. His argument is he must have a soul because he's a christian (laughable in itself) but that means he's not only taking the bait, but then goes onto swear, preach hate, and wish death upon others (not very commandment abiding). Now this part of my argument is weak yes, the bit that gets me is where he later goes on to say (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't want it to bleed my ears again) "If you don't like me, fair enough..." (I thought good, now say but keep nasty things to yourself or other such reasonable gesture) only to flip right around, stutter and brake into "but if you don't like me, then fuck you, go kill yourself!" ... AreYouFuckingKiddingMe, and you wonder why people hate on that?
Now this isn't a reaction post, I hate giving them the press (hence the lack of links). It's been something I've been thinking for a while, but was sparked on to write it today when I called a rising "star" on it. The video was essentially an irate middle-aged black man complaining about racial stereotyping and how the a black cgi robot had been given a gold tooth. Now I'm not being racist but... (LOL JK) this guy is exercising a lot of the stereotypes he sits in his BMW and complains about. So I call him on it with a simple comment "make video about stereotyping, wear 3 necklaces." His reply "It's actually two, Moron. The invite was in error. Disregard." I had to laugh, 2 (though it's quite clearly 3) chains IS very much the kind of bling he was complaining about, and the smarter of the two of us had managed to accidentally send a friend request to me while trying to reply to a comment (I'm really not sure how).
Yes, before anyone points it out, I realise this is a rant, complaining about people ranting, on a blog with the primary purpose of being a soapbox for me to stand upon to rant; but I feel (or at least hope) that I present slightly more logical arguments. If not, feel free to call me on it, Moron.
I have no love for "Dun Goofed" and the likes, if someone on the internet has taken pleasure in mocking you, then how his videoing and uploading yourself crying about it and saying more of the same things you were mocked for originally going to help things?
Or an ever growing trend in people ranting about things that piss them off or "offend" them (yes I appreciate the irony but bear with me those who call hypocrisy). This IS okay in itself, but try to form a logical argument. When you're complaining about hating by hating on someone else, you're a part of the problem, not the solution. I'm sure you've all the one (or atleast seen national tv spoofs of [yes it got that much fame]) the ginger kid who was angry about the gingers don't have souls joke. His argument is he must have a soul because he's a christian (laughable in itself) but that means he's not only taking the bait, but then goes onto swear, preach hate, and wish death upon others (not very commandment abiding). Now this part of my argument is weak yes, the bit that gets me is where he later goes on to say (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't want it to bleed my ears again) "If you don't like me, fair enough..." (I thought good, now say but keep nasty things to yourself or other such reasonable gesture) only to flip right around, stutter and brake into "but if you don't like me, then fuck you, go kill yourself!" ... AreYouFuckingKiddingMe, and you wonder why people hate on that?
Now this isn't a reaction post, I hate giving them the press (hence the lack of links). It's been something I've been thinking for a while, but was sparked on to write it today when I called a rising "star" on it. The video was essentially an irate middle-aged black man complaining about racial stereotyping and how the a black cgi robot had been given a gold tooth. Now I'm not being racist but... (LOL JK) this guy is exercising a lot of the stereotypes he sits in his BMW and complains about. So I call him on it with a simple comment "make video about stereotyping, wear 3 necklaces." His reply "It's actually two, Moron. The invite was in error. Disregard." I had to laugh, 2 (though it's quite clearly 3) chains IS very much the kind of bling he was complaining about, and the smarter of the two of us had managed to accidentally send a friend request to me while trying to reply to a comment (I'm really not sure how).
Yes, before anyone points it out, I realise this is a rant, complaining about people ranting, on a blog with the primary purpose of being a soapbox for me to stand upon to rant; but I feel (or at least hope) that I present slightly more logical arguments. If not, feel free to call me on it, Moron.
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Short, not Sweet
It's been a month, and I've felt like every update I'd considered so far has been purely for the sake of it. I can't say this one's much different, but it's an update with some news at least.
The month's been ups and downs, mostly ups, but there have been times when I've felt really shit, or worried excessively about things. So I'm on some med's now, pretty simple stuff, 3/day, all natural, no prescription. These seem to be good, but I end up feeling really tired as a result. On closer inspection I discovered them to be no different in make-up to my sleeping pills. Essentially their solution to anxiety is sedation, can't worry if I'm asleep eh? It's a bit of a joke, but tbh I'm not too bothered, they seem to do what they're meant to, I stay calm, and unsurprisingly I'm sleeping a little better at night while on them. The only trouble is I can't drink while on them. I don't mean problem as in I can't stay off the stuff, but there are some occasions when social occasions where drinking is a nice activity among friends, so I have to plan in advance to not take them that day, a little bit of a fag really. Also, a listed possible side effect is depression. My reaction to this is one of complete whatthefuckery. I don't understand how that's an acceptable side effect of something that's quite similar in traits and often go hand in hand with each other.
Well, 'nough said on the matter, moving on to other things. I guess as a general statement, "I'm trying, but not sure how well the progress is going" could apply to just about everything right now, so fuck-it, that'll do. Until next time.
The month's been ups and downs, mostly ups, but there have been times when I've felt really shit, or worried excessively about things. So I'm on some med's now, pretty simple stuff, 3/day, all natural, no prescription. These seem to be good, but I end up feeling really tired as a result. On closer inspection I discovered them to be no different in make-up to my sleeping pills. Essentially their solution to anxiety is sedation, can't worry if I'm asleep eh? It's a bit of a joke, but tbh I'm not too bothered, they seem to do what they're meant to, I stay calm, and unsurprisingly I'm sleeping a little better at night while on them. The only trouble is I can't drink while on them. I don't mean problem as in I can't stay off the stuff, but there are some occasions when social occasions where drinking is a nice activity among friends, so I have to plan in advance to not take them that day, a little bit of a fag really. Also, a listed possible side effect is depression. My reaction to this is one of complete whatthefuckery. I don't understand how that's an acceptable side effect of something that's quite similar in traits and often go hand in hand with each other.
Well, 'nough said on the matter, moving on to other things. I guess as a general statement, "I'm trying, but not sure how well the progress is going" could apply to just about everything right now, so fuck-it, that'll do. Until next time.
Thursday, 28 April 2011
I Swear, I'm Retarded.
So last night was... Erm... Different?
I'll admit I was a fool, and not just for the content of the last post. Last night I washed down an oversized dose of sleeping pills with half a bottle of spirit. That was dumb. I'm not proud of it. But I'm not certain I regret it. The state I was in I just needed to shut my brain down, and quiet the voices in my head. I'm not saying that's a good way to do it, I wish I knew a better one, but it does work.
I slept well last night, it was nice to have my first dream in a long time, and feel pretty good today. I'm not saying my brain isn't full of worry about things, but it's prepared to accept reason as a strong possibility, and really, for me that's bloody good.
I'm going to try and work on a system for those nights, one that doesn't involve drugs of any kind. As soon as I can wear a helmet again I'll give night rides a go. Strap a light on and go blitz a circuit of the nearest wood, it's one drug for me unlike any other. But then this isn't perfect, because it will significantly reduce my sleep hours... I'll try keep you posted x
I'll admit I was a fool, and not just for the content of the last post. Last night I washed down an oversized dose of sleeping pills with half a bottle of spirit. That was dumb. I'm not proud of it. But I'm not certain I regret it. The state I was in I just needed to shut my brain down, and quiet the voices in my head. I'm not saying that's a good way to do it, I wish I knew a better one, but it does work.
I slept well last night, it was nice to have my first dream in a long time, and feel pretty good today. I'm not saying my brain isn't full of worry about things, but it's prepared to accept reason as a strong possibility, and really, for me that's bloody good.
I'm going to try and work on a system for those nights, one that doesn't involve drugs of any kind. As soon as I can wear a helmet again I'll give night rides a go. Strap a light on and go blitz a circuit of the nearest wood, it's one drug for me unlike any other. But then this isn't perfect, because it will significantly reduce my sleep hours... I'll try keep you posted x
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Not knowing is the worst
Maybe I'm alone in this, but when I don't know, my brain tends to come up with 1001 worst-case scenarios, without giving the logical more realistic options a look-in.
While I hate to admit it, alot of these posts are mainly about a girl, so please call me a broken record and close the tab where appropriate.
It seem there are up days and down days. The ups are like crack to me, I can't get enough, I feel great when I'm on them. But the downs are killing me. It's stupid to take a non-reply and read something into it. But I have no idea why it happens. I think I've offended her. I think she's gone off me, or that the texting is bugging her. It's not until 10hours later trying to calm my mind down when I try to tell myself more logical explanations like busy or dead battery, and even now when I'm being "rational" my brain rejects these without a second thought.
Yes, this is pathetic, but this is what GAD does to me. At times I really can't take it. I've been noticing a correlation, a trend if you will. It seems the amount I am effected by this, relates directly to how emotionally attached I am to someone. When it first became enough of an issue for me to do anything about it, I was in love. I ended up having sessions with a psychiatrist. When it played up last year, I was seeing someone. Now, I can feel it's effects taking hold on my brain, on my thoughts, on my actions... and I'm falling for someone. Makes me wonder at times if my brain is simply not programmed for love (not that I'm saying this is love)... and I choose the word programmed carefully, it seems to work in logic, and logic alone. Emotions just mess with the system (now I sound like a psychopath).
I've run out of steam on this chain of thought, So I'll sign off now, more soon I'm sure x
While I hate to admit it, alot of these posts are mainly about a girl, so please call me a broken record and close the tab where appropriate.
It seem there are up days and down days. The ups are like crack to me, I can't get enough, I feel great when I'm on them. But the downs are killing me. It's stupid to take a non-reply and read something into it. But I have no idea why it happens. I think I've offended her. I think she's gone off me, or that the texting is bugging her. It's not until 10hours later trying to calm my mind down when I try to tell myself more logical explanations like busy or dead battery, and even now when I'm being "rational" my brain rejects these without a second thought.
Yes, this is pathetic, but this is what GAD does to me. At times I really can't take it. I've been noticing a correlation, a trend if you will. It seems the amount I am effected by this, relates directly to how emotionally attached I am to someone. When it first became enough of an issue for me to do anything about it, I was in love. I ended up having sessions with a psychiatrist. When it played up last year, I was seeing someone. Now, I can feel it's effects taking hold on my brain, on my thoughts, on my actions... and I'm falling for someone. Makes me wonder at times if my brain is simply not programmed for love (not that I'm saying this is love)... and I choose the word programmed carefully, it seems to work in logic, and logic alone. Emotions just mess with the system (now I sound like a psychopath).
I've run out of steam on this chain of thought, So I'll sign off now, more soon I'm sure x
Friday, 15 April 2011
Emotional / Relational ...
In a way this is the real topic of the post, but also the one I am most unsure about what I'm going to end up saying. I really wish I knew where I stand. while I love aspects of the position I'm in right now, but I honestly can't tell you where I'll be in a months time, and part of that worries me... not overly, just in a hating to repeatedly waste so much of my life to return to square one with nothing gained but bad memories.
I know I'm young, but I can't help but feel I've wasted my "youth", I know I've learned so much... but I seem to not put any of it into practice, rendering the lessons useless, I'm pretty much on repeat of the same situation again and again, just escalating the build-up and shoot down... for fear of sounding like my vagina is coming along nicely... I'm genuinely afraid of getting hurt this time, properly, and I was warned I might be (I explained this in a post that never made it to the blog).
There's a word I hate to use, I'm not even going to disgrace this post with it's presence, but I fear I might be under it's influence. I know it's stupid, and I'm disgracing it by even thinking it... I can see the faces now of a few of you as you read this... but the feeling reminds me of way back when (the part where I was happy... before the other 3 years of crap).
I think my read on the situation is terrible. Ask me after one conversation and I'll tell you things couldn't be better, ask me the next and I'll tell you they couldn't be worse. I forget that there are so many other factors than just the ones in plane face, and I read everything that isn't clearly defined as the worst it could possibly be. I don't mean to be a pessimist, but it seems that's my brain's natural reaction to the uncertain.
To conclude this post as best as I can my thoughts. I guess I have to wait. Wait to see what happens when next anything can... and until then, keep doing what I have been and hope that what I'm doing is constructive for both of our sakes...
I know I'm young, but I can't help but feel I've wasted my "youth", I know I've learned so much... but I seem to not put any of it into practice, rendering the lessons useless, I'm pretty much on repeat of the same situation again and again, just escalating the build-up and shoot down... for fear of sounding like my vagina is coming along nicely... I'm genuinely afraid of getting hurt this time, properly, and I was warned I might be (I explained this in a post that never made it to the blog).
There's a word I hate to use, I'm not even going to disgrace this post with it's presence, but I fear I might be under it's influence. I know it's stupid, and I'm disgracing it by even thinking it... I can see the faces now of a few of you as you read this... but the feeling reminds me of way back when (the part where I was happy... before the other 3 years of crap).
I think my read on the situation is terrible. Ask me after one conversation and I'll tell you things couldn't be better, ask me the next and I'll tell you they couldn't be worse. I forget that there are so many other factors than just the ones in plane face, and I read everything that isn't clearly defined as the worst it could possibly be. I don't mean to be a pessimist, but it seems that's my brain's natural reaction to the uncertain.
To conclude this post as best as I can my thoughts. I guess I have to wait. Wait to see what happens when next anything can... and until then, keep doing what I have been and hope that what I'm doing is constructive for both of our sakes...
I Kinda Felt Like Posting...
It's been a little while since my last post (I honestly don't know how long) but I felt the need/want to update, so here goes:
Swings and Roundabouts... a phrase I never truly understood, but it certainly applies here.
Fitness wise I'm good. I've been training (cycling) but more of that on it's own blog.
Sadly I can't say the same for work. I had all these plans to do work / revision ect all holiday, be really proactive and get lots done, hitting the end of the holidays ahead and fully ready for exams and kicking some butt in the summer exams. So far I've done nothing, half way through the holiday, and I've done sweet FA. I have nobody to blame but myself, but of course I will try...
I'll blame the town: it's a real love hate relationship I have with it. I love being "home", the free food (not having to worry too much about money) and being able to see some of my best friends. But at the same time the temptation to do something other than work is huge, I'm seeing a bunch of people who aren't in my boat, I'm not used to it. I'm not for a minute blaming the people, I love them... but I am hating on the town a little. There's also something about it that drives laziness deep into me... I was up and active before 9 most days at uni, here 12 is an early day... my routine hasn't changed, so to be honest I can't put my finger on what's actually causing it, but it doesn't seem to happen anywhere else.
Emotional/Relational. -shifted to next post-
Mood: Very much up and down, sadly not of the bi-winning kind. My sleeping has been good (for me) the introduction of a wakeup incentive is good, even if going to sleep has been difficult at times, it just punishes my laps with tiredness. I found a pack of old sleeping pills on the floor, so I might be knocking myself out with them every now and then. Depression is definitely there at times. I really don't know why at times, it just comes on and hits me hard. I would say I've "turned to drink" to help cope, but this would imply that it's a recent change... I've noticed it now for the past month or two that I've hit the booze, on my own (IRL), in my room, and often in the dark. I know this isn't healthy, and I know I really should tackle this issue (maybe make no-alcohol part of my training) but until I can find a better system to cope, I don't know what I'll do, part of me seems to think that getting the girl will instantly trigger riding off into the sunset, and that I need do nothing else save wait for that.
As I type this now I realise (amidst replying to the text of a concerned friend who picked up on my tone) how pathetic I sound. Man I wish my brain was different... I'd gladly trade IQ for clarity... I don't want to throw about names of excuses (*conditions) to gain their sympathy (*pity) but if you want to hear my theories I'll tell ya... just don't laugh... that's it for now, I'd say enjoy but it'd seem crass
Swings and Roundabouts... a phrase I never truly understood, but it certainly applies here.
Fitness wise I'm good. I've been training (cycling) but more of that on it's own blog.
Sadly I can't say the same for work. I had all these plans to do work / revision ect all holiday, be really proactive and get lots done, hitting the end of the holidays ahead and fully ready for exams and kicking some butt in the summer exams. So far I've done nothing, half way through the holiday, and I've done sweet FA. I have nobody to blame but myself, but of course I will try...
I'll blame the town: it's a real love hate relationship I have with it. I love being "home", the free food (not having to worry too much about money) and being able to see some of my best friends. But at the same time the temptation to do something other than work is huge, I'm seeing a bunch of people who aren't in my boat, I'm not used to it. I'm not for a minute blaming the people, I love them... but I am hating on the town a little. There's also something about it that drives laziness deep into me... I was up and active before 9 most days at uni, here 12 is an early day... my routine hasn't changed, so to be honest I can't put my finger on what's actually causing it, but it doesn't seem to happen anywhere else.
Emotional/Relational. -shifted to next post-
Mood: Very much up and down, sadly not of the bi-winning kind. My sleeping has been good (for me) the introduction of a wakeup incentive is good, even if going to sleep has been difficult at times, it just punishes my laps with tiredness. I found a pack of old sleeping pills on the floor, so I might be knocking myself out with them every now and then. Depression is definitely there at times. I really don't know why at times, it just comes on and hits me hard. I would say I've "turned to drink" to help cope, but this would imply that it's a recent change... I've noticed it now for the past month or two that I've hit the booze, on my own (IRL), in my room, and often in the dark. I know this isn't healthy, and I know I really should tackle this issue (maybe make no-alcohol part of my training) but until I can find a better system to cope, I don't know what I'll do, part of me seems to think that getting the girl will instantly trigger riding off into the sunset, and that I need do nothing else save wait for that.
As I type this now I realise (amidst replying to the text of a concerned friend who picked up on my tone) how pathetic I sound. Man I wish my brain was different... I'd gladly trade IQ for clarity... I don't want to throw about names of excuses (*conditions) to gain their sympathy (*pity) but if you want to hear my theories I'll tell ya... just don't laugh... that's it for now, I'd say enjoy but it'd seem crass
Saturday, 26 March 2011
You're a Fucking Idiot!
Surely you see how what you say and do hurts her? It's not big. It's not clever. It's just insensitive. And even if it was "funny", is it really worth it at the cost of the feelings of someone you care about?
I get that everyone messes up. It's not like I'm expecting you to be better than human. But when you mess up, you apologise to those you hurt, and you do your best not to do it again. It's not something you bait her with when she's hurting.
Maybe I'm a fool for thinking this way... but it just seems like common decency to me.
So I'm topping this one off with some balance because I realise this works both ways.
I get that everyone messes up. It's not like I'm expecting you to be better than human. But when you mess up, you apologise to those you hurt, and you do your best not to do it again. It's not something you bait her with when she's hurting.
Maybe I'm a fool for thinking this way... but it just seems like common decency to me.
So I'm topping this one off with some balance because I realise this works both ways.
Monday, 21 March 2011
Summary of why I hate my sister sometimes...
Me: "how's work?"
Her: "yeah it's really nice beacuse I really look forward to going in the mornings and the days go quickly and interestingly
and I'm really conscious of God's presence at the moment, which is making everything wonderful
and things are going to so unbelievably well with me and Herp - he is wonderful and I have never felt like this before - not even close
I am so completely in love"
Her: "yeah it's really nice beacuse I really look forward to going in the mornings and the days go quickly and interestingly
and I'm really conscious of God's presence at the moment, which is making everything wonderful
and things are going to so unbelievably well with me and Herp - he is wonderful and I have never felt like this before - not even close
I am so completely in love"
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Ranting the frightening interior monologue that is my mind.
Why is it that as soon as one thing starts going well, everything else seems to go to shit? It never seems to happen sequentially either, they don't take it in turns to go to pot, everything happens at once.
Today has been pretty shit. I get rejected from a job application. I sit down to do some work that should be simple, and I just hit error after error without explanation. I now have a relatively future defining presentation to give in ~40hours, about a topic I have yet to choose, and I can't even start work on it now, because I have other deadline of essential things to hit before it.
My minds all over the place right now, and piling all this pressure on top of it really isn't helping. I find myself angry, in a strangely large quantity for me. I'm not angry at all the outward factors that would be so easy to blame though. I'm angry at myself... for letting it get this way again.
It seems that every time I get a wakeup call I declare how different things will be. I say "not next time" and spend 12hours being productive to fool myself. Then I drop back into the same old ways, and wonder where I went wrong. Well I didn't go wrong... I am wrong. I really need to stop fucking up.
You'd think that the logic behind putting in 3 years of hard work to set myself up for life would draw pretty simple conclusions, and evoke the obvious response from me. Yet still I procrastinate (and complain about it).
3 weeks ago, after some terrible results, I vowed it'd all be different, that I'd go to every lecture, and try hard, take notes, and not leave it all to the last minute. But where am I now? I have 3 weeks worth of Mondays to catch up on; several lectures in 2 of my other 4 modules; I'm letting my team down just one week into the new project; and I'm pissing away what is potentially my one chance at doing what I want next year. As for the lectures I do attend... I can't remember the last one where I wasn't text/IM ing someone, or trawling through facebook / reddit. I have nobody to blame for this but myself, but I don't know how to change me... I could sit here and vow to go to all my lectures and try harder... but I know it wouldn't last long; none of my personal goals ever seem to... I don't know why I bother sometimes.
Another thing, I'm allowing myself to be fully distracted in my usual work hours as well, or miss complete days of uni without so much as a second thought. 'Why?' you may ask... well, seems I've again been crippled by an Achilles' heel... though that implies an external fault... this is entirely my own fault. When there's a girl involved, I seem to think it right to put all else on hold for her, drop anything I'm doing when we're talking, and leave anything behind to see her... without any thought as to their importance. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway, as if failing my degree would be the perfect way to get the girl. Oh and for those wondering, the post I made early this morning... that was relating to said girl... I finally MTFU'd and confessed my feeling. I'm not going to go into huge amounts of detail, but it only took me 6months, and I did it face to face... so I'm improving (Y) </tangent>.
I hate how all this ends up playing out on my brain. I end up stressed and pushed for time. Being pushed for time stresses me further. Cycling relieves the stress, but leaves me even more pushed for time. Then all this playing on my mind stops me sleeping... I have trouble enough shutting down as it is... and of course lack of sleep will both stress me and slow me down, causing a direct feed into both sources of my problem... and the more tired and stressed I get... the less rationally I think about all the many things I'm worrying about. If you followed all that, you'll see why I'm well and truly head fucked right now. I doubt I'd sleep tonight, even if I wanted to. But I should try. Can't let insomnia rule me... well not too much anyway.
Sorry for how this one is set out... I'll speak better to you soon... ah who am I kidding... peace x
Today has been pretty shit. I get rejected from a job application. I sit down to do some work that should be simple, and I just hit error after error without explanation. I now have a relatively future defining presentation to give in ~40hours, about a topic I have yet to choose, and I can't even start work on it now, because I have other deadline of essential things to hit before it.
My minds all over the place right now, and piling all this pressure on top of it really isn't helping. I find myself angry, in a strangely large quantity for me. I'm not angry at all the outward factors that would be so easy to blame though. I'm angry at myself... for letting it get this way again.
It seems that every time I get a wakeup call I declare how different things will be. I say "not next time" and spend 12hours being productive to fool myself. Then I drop back into the same old ways, and wonder where I went wrong. Well I didn't go wrong... I am wrong. I really need to stop fucking up.
You'd think that the logic behind putting in 3 years of hard work to set myself up for life would draw pretty simple conclusions, and evoke the obvious response from me. Yet still I procrastinate (and complain about it).
3 weeks ago, after some terrible results, I vowed it'd all be different, that I'd go to every lecture, and try hard, take notes, and not leave it all to the last minute. But where am I now? I have 3 weeks worth of Mondays to catch up on; several lectures in 2 of my other 4 modules; I'm letting my team down just one week into the new project; and I'm pissing away what is potentially my one chance at doing what I want next year. As for the lectures I do attend... I can't remember the last one where I wasn't text/IM ing someone, or trawling through facebook / reddit. I have nobody to blame for this but myself, but I don't know how to change me... I could sit here and vow to go to all my lectures and try harder... but I know it wouldn't last long; none of my personal goals ever seem to... I don't know why I bother sometimes.
Another thing, I'm allowing myself to be fully distracted in my usual work hours as well, or miss complete days of uni without so much as a second thought. 'Why?' you may ask... well, seems I've again been crippled by an Achilles' heel... though that implies an external fault... this is entirely my own fault. When there's a girl involved, I seem to think it right to put all else on hold for her, drop anything I'm doing when we're talking, and leave anything behind to see her... without any thought as to their importance. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway, as if failing my degree would be the perfect way to get the girl. Oh and for those wondering, the post I made early this morning... that was relating to said girl... I finally MTFU'd and confessed my feeling. I'm not going to go into huge amounts of detail, but it only took me 6months, and I did it face to face... so I'm improving (Y) </tangent>.
I hate how all this ends up playing out on my brain. I end up stressed and pushed for time. Being pushed for time stresses me further. Cycling relieves the stress, but leaves me even more pushed for time. Then all this playing on my mind stops me sleeping... I have trouble enough shutting down as it is... and of course lack of sleep will both stress me and slow me down, causing a direct feed into both sources of my problem... and the more tired and stressed I get... the less rationally I think about all the many things I'm worrying about. If you followed all that, you'll see why I'm well and truly head fucked right now. I doubt I'd sleep tonight, even if I wanted to. But I should try. Can't let insomnia rule me... well not too much anyway.
Sorry for how this one is set out... I'll speak better to you soon... ah who am I kidding... peace x
Monday, 14 March 2011
Man I overthink things...
Yesterday I made a big guesture. I've already told some of you what this was, but for the rest, lets just say it's something that will evoke a degree of emotional responce. But the trouble is now it's just me and my thoughs, I'm analising every little detail. Every little thing that was (or wasn't said). I'm reading every status as if it were about me (gosh that sounds big-headed). To summarise, right now, my head is all over the place.
Don't get me wrong, it feels good to have finally gotten things off my chest. But the problem is I now scrutinise how I did it, and replay it in my head on such and endless loop that each time I sound more and more like an idiot to myself.
I feel like I've run out of steam with this post already, so I'll cut it here to end waffle. Shall probably explain this better and add to it in another post soon.
Don't get me wrong, it feels good to have finally gotten things off my chest. But the problem is I now scrutinise how I did it, and replay it in my head on such and endless loop that each time I sound more and more like an idiot to myself.
I feel like I've run out of steam with this post already, so I'll cut it here to end waffle. Shall probably explain this better and add to it in another post soon.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Desire / Availability / Obtainability
I feel there is often a lot of confusion between these things, and yes I'm referring to the world of dating.
If someone likes you, they are available to you, this often makes you think you desire them when you don't.
If someone is unobtainable, you desire them, they instant you get them (obtainable), you don't want them (¬desire).
Funny then isn't it when both of those can effect desire, yet no amount of desire can make the one you like available or obtainable.
If someone likes you, they are available to you, this often makes you think you desire them when you don't.
If someone is unobtainable, you desire them, they instant you get them (obtainable), you don't want them (¬desire).
Funny then isn't it when both of those can effect desire, yet no amount of desire can make the one you like available or obtainable.
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Worth a Watch
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00ysfvh/How_TV_Ruined_Your_Life_Love/
So true, I'm glad I'm not the only one :')
So true, I'm glad I'm not the only one :')
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Why worry? I wonder all the time why worry?
Worry. It's a strange sensation, and I know I'm not the only one.
I worry about a lot of things... mostly those I don't have control over. Which is stupid really, because I can do simply nothing about them, and should be resolved in this fact.
Confession: I had a few months of therapy, when I was around 16, about my excessive worrying. I was diagnosed with "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". The treatment helped me to reduce the symptoms, but by no means cured me.
I've started to notice I'm not the only one who worries though. Following last night's post I had two concerned friends check if I was okay, I appreciate this guys, thanks. I guess I do only tend to do these posts when something is up, but for me I tend to pour my thoughts and my worries into the blog, post it, and some way forget about them. Or atleast that's the idea anyway.
I guess my main trouble is I ponder the worst case scenario, before eventually coming up with, less convincing, more realistic thoughts.
On a relatively unrelated topic, but it's too small to post on it's own and I want to say it. I'm fedup with something my mind's been doing lately. At times when I'm not around others and am not specifically happy (not necessarily sad) my brain starts reliving arguments with the ex, or things I could have done better, ways she annoyed me... anything negative about the concept of relationships... it really drags me down, would kinda like it to gtfo.
Anon out.
I worry about a lot of things... mostly those I don't have control over. Which is stupid really, because I can do simply nothing about them, and should be resolved in this fact.
Confession: I had a few months of therapy, when I was around 16, about my excessive worrying. I was diagnosed with "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". The treatment helped me to reduce the symptoms, but by no means cured me.
I've started to notice I'm not the only one who worries though. Following last night's post I had two concerned friends check if I was okay, I appreciate this guys, thanks. I guess I do only tend to do these posts when something is up, but for me I tend to pour my thoughts and my worries into the blog, post it, and some way forget about them. Or atleast that's the idea anyway.
I guess my main trouble is I ponder the worst case scenario, before eventually coming up with, less convincing, more realistic thoughts.
On a relatively unrelated topic, but it's too small to post on it's own and I want to say it. I'm fedup with something my mind's been doing lately. At times when I'm not around others and am not specifically happy (not necessarily sad) my brain starts reliving arguments with the ex, or things I could have done better, ways she annoyed me... anything negative about the concept of relationships... it really drags me down, would kinda like it to gtfo.
Anon out.
Monday, 14 February 2011
False Optimism and Why Nice Guys Finish Last
It's hard to be optimistic when there's so much bad in the world. At times I really have next to no faith in humanity. When I hear stories of how some 'people' (and I use the term oh so loosely) can act, can treat genuinely nice people. It just makes me sick.
The worst part is I often get a read on people like that, yet I dismiss it as pessimism, or a read based on jealousy... and it's not something you can tell those at risk of being hurt. You have to wait... watch... and pick up the pieces as the inevitable happens.
I get no satisfaction from being right, and it pains me to see those I genuinely care about feel such pain... but what can you do? << An open question, please respond.
If it's not obvious by now, this relates to a girl (yes again)... I don't want to give too much detail as it would seem to me a breach of trust... and right now I'm about the only one she does trust.
This makes me rethink past rants in a way... I've always said why not the nice guy... but I've in a way finally had it explained to me. The nice guy does the right thing, and will give a girl time. The bad guy pretends to be the nice guy, and some times very convincingly, but he moves quicker, doesn't let the girl have time to think, takes advantage of innocence, naivety, and the fact that others have hurt her in the past. It's crude. It's sick. But I can see how it could fool far too easily.
Thats all for now... regrettably I can imagine there'll be more on this soon.
The worst part is I often get a read on people like that, yet I dismiss it as pessimism, or a read based on jealousy... and it's not something you can tell those at risk of being hurt. You have to wait... watch... and pick up the pieces as the inevitable happens.
I get no satisfaction from being right, and it pains me to see those I genuinely care about feel such pain... but what can you do? << An open question, please respond.
If it's not obvious by now, this relates to a girl (yes again)... I don't want to give too much detail as it would seem to me a breach of trust... and right now I'm about the only one she does trust.
This makes me rethink past rants in a way... I've always said why not the nice guy... but I've in a way finally had it explained to me. The nice guy does the right thing, and will give a girl time. The bad guy pretends to be the nice guy, and some times very convincingly, but he moves quicker, doesn't let the girl have time to think, takes advantage of innocence, naivety, and the fact that others have hurt her in the past. It's crude. It's sick. But I can see how it could fool far too easily.
Thats all for now... regrettably I can imagine there'll be more on this soon.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
The Friend Zone...
There's no real way i can explain it, but it's like... if you've ended up in "the friend zone", then something about it somewhere down the line wasn't meant to be, it never would have worked. So if you've ended up there then at least you never made it so far that u got really hurt later on...
It's a positive spin yes... but give it some thought.
It's a positive spin yes... but give it some thought.
Monday, 31 January 2011
What a difference a ride makes...
One thing I want to say is that fitness and cycling now has a new blog. I'm not going to spread the link on here, because it is directly linked to me, and not at all secret. But if you know me, and want the link, just ask :) if there is a demand for it, then I'll post them anonymously somewhere else as well and link off to that.
Ok, so motivation is an issue for me, I struggle to get going with things, even if I really should be doing them. After a while it even effects the things that I really want to do, but just take a bit of effort to start. I've been feeling pretty down as a result of it all.
Tonight I went on a bike ride, nothing strenuous, a leisurely pace, about an hour long, covering just over 10miles. This doesn't seem like a lot, but it's been so long since I've done it. It felt truly amazing. I'm sitting here (in bed) feeling, happy, clear headed, motivated to get up and go in the morning, after going to bed at a sensible time. This again may not seem like much, but for me it's pretty huge. I guess it really is the little things that make your day.
I want to ride daily like this, maybe the evening is good for me (despite the cold). The key is finding a good motive, atm I have a friend who likes the idea of a ride every other day, this could be useful for me. I will try to do it, perhaps I just need to promise to do it to someone I care about... then I'd be sure to do it.
Ahwell, that's all for now, more for another night maybe. Hope you're all well, big love xxx
Ok, so motivation is an issue for me, I struggle to get going with things, even if I really should be doing them. After a while it even effects the things that I really want to do, but just take a bit of effort to start. I've been feeling pretty down as a result of it all.
Tonight I went on a bike ride, nothing strenuous, a leisurely pace, about an hour long, covering just over 10miles. This doesn't seem like a lot, but it's been so long since I've done it. It felt truly amazing. I'm sitting here (in bed) feeling, happy, clear headed, motivated to get up and go in the morning, after going to bed at a sensible time. This again may not seem like much, but for me it's pretty huge. I guess it really is the little things that make your day.
I want to ride daily like this, maybe the evening is good for me (despite the cold). The key is finding a good motive, atm I have a friend who likes the idea of a ride every other day, this could be useful for me. I will try to do it, perhaps I just need to promise to do it to someone I care about... then I'd be sure to do it.
Ahwell, that's all for now, more for another night maybe. Hope you're all well, big love xxx
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
I didn't use you for sex audience... honest... I was just drunk at the time.
It's been quite a while since my last post. I feel a little bit bad about this, there is a certain level of commitment I aim to uphold to a certain frequency of post. Translation: sorry I forgot.
To some extent I really have just been busy, but there's more to it than that. It would seem that in my life, the amount I blog is directly inproportional to how happy I am. For those of you that don't follow the strange version of logic that my brain functions in: basically I post lots when I'm down or sad, but not so much when I'm happy. Lately I've been mostly happy.
This is good surely, but to some extent it's superficial. "I'm wearing a smile that I don't believe in" to quote one of the many BBTL/LOTD. I feel like I'm waking up and wearing a smile for those around me, or doing something that makes me happy in the short term, but is a complete waste of time, or leaves me unhappy in the long run. It's not just on the little things either, I'm doing it more and more on the big things too, like my life, or as it will soon be known the 18 years I wasted in the education system to become unemployed again just like when I was three-years-old.
See and now I'm coming back with a blog post just because I'm a touch unhappy. I don't want you to feel like I'm using you, but to be honest, sadness is when the best content comes out. If a diary consisted of 365 entries of "today all was swell and nothing bad happened" would be a pretty dire read. So erm... the ends justifies the means? But then, I don't agree with that, so no.
So I guess the other main reason I'm down is sleep. I just can't do it. I have been trying a lot of different thing, and the only thing that seems to take the edge off the insomnia is alcohol. This is not a good thing to admit, nor is it an easy one for me either, but I think I'm suffering a bit from alcoholism. I'm relying on it, becoming dependant. I have strong desires to sit in my room and just drink the evening away. I really need to tackle this, but I procrastinate every aspect of my life. I've decided to tackle this if it persists after my short post-exam (and post-stress) holiday, but who knows if this will stick. Tweet/Wall/Message me if you feel the need or concern to bug me about it.
I have got a little bit more that I could go into... but I feel that deserves my proper attention another time.
Until then, consider yourself Phil'd-in.
Note to self: that joke only works if your name is Phil, and anonymous'd-in isn't a thing.
To some extent I really have just been busy, but there's more to it than that. It would seem that in my life, the amount I blog is directly inproportional to how happy I am. For those of you that don't follow the strange version of logic that my brain functions in: basically I post lots when I'm down or sad, but not so much when I'm happy. Lately I've been mostly happy.
This is good surely, but to some extent it's superficial. "I'm wearing a smile that I don't believe in" to quote one of the many BBTL/LOTD. I feel like I'm waking up and wearing a smile for those around me, or doing something that makes me happy in the short term, but is a complete waste of time, or leaves me unhappy in the long run. It's not just on the little things either, I'm doing it more and more on the big things too, like my life, or as it will soon be known the 18 years I wasted in the education system to become unemployed again just like when I was three-years-old.
See and now I'm coming back with a blog post just because I'm a touch unhappy. I don't want you to feel like I'm using you, but to be honest, sadness is when the best content comes out. If a diary consisted of 365 entries of "today all was swell and nothing bad happened" would be a pretty dire read. So erm... the ends justifies the means? But then, I don't agree with that, so no.
So I guess the other main reason I'm down is sleep. I just can't do it. I have been trying a lot of different thing, and the only thing that seems to take the edge off the insomnia is alcohol. This is not a good thing to admit, nor is it an easy one for me either, but I think I'm suffering a bit from alcoholism. I'm relying on it, becoming dependant. I have strong desires to sit in my room and just drink the evening away. I really need to tackle this, but I procrastinate every aspect of my life. I've decided to tackle this if it persists after my short post-exam (and post-stress) holiday, but who knows if this will stick. Tweet/Wall/Message me if you feel the need or concern to bug me about it.
I have got a little bit more that I could go into... but I feel that deserves my proper attention another time.
Until then, consider yourself Phil'd-in.
Note to self: that joke only works if your name is Phil, and anonymous'd-in isn't a thing.
Friday, 21 January 2011
Friend Burned By The Lyrics
So I've been meaning to post this for a little while, it was a lyrical burn by a very close friend that rings true to me as well.
"I think I found a flower in a field of weeds, I think I found a flower in a field of weeds. Searching until my hands bleed, this flower don't belong to me..."
Sorry man but I had to
"I think I found a flower in a field of weeds, I think I found a flower in a field of weeds. Searching until my hands bleed, this flower don't belong to me..."
Sorry man but I had to
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
A New Year, A New Me...
So forgive the over user and unoriginal title, but one man's laziness is another's efficiency. That said efficiency would have me come up with some form of resolution prior to the new year beginning. I however have decided to wait a few days, for realism's sake.
On that not I come to my first of a few resolutions. For those of you that know me, or perhaps have even just read a post or two, this past year I've been somewhat the pesemist. It was suggested to me that I should try and be optimistic this year. Obviously I doubted that would ever happen, but I like the thought, I'm going to try and be a realist instead, all the positivity where it's due, but nothing so dispointing as false hope.
It would seem that happiness has struck me recently, I'm not completely sure where from, but I do put some of it down to the workouts. Unfortunately ill health has struck me recently, but the smiles haven't dwindled too much, and I aim to kick it all back up again in the next few days, I have the hardware, now for the software...
The only other thing I can think of is work, I want to knuckle down to it and do good at it. I'm a bit behind I'll admit, but I have to potential to excel, and I hope to do so with enough effort put in.
To be honest I really don't have much more for the new years resolutions; health, happiness, and hard working. I quite often talk (complain) about 'love' but right now I'm more than content with my situation, and have now goals for the year so to speak.
I guess the last thing I want to say is thankyou, it's been a long and often hard 10months, but I've had a few dedicated and some more occasional readers. Without readers this blog isn't really anything, so just letting you know I do appreciate it.
Until next time, I'll try and come up with a new 2011 sign-off.
On that not I come to my first of a few resolutions. For those of you that know me, or perhaps have even just read a post or two, this past year I've been somewhat the pesemist. It was suggested to me that I should try and be optimistic this year. Obviously I doubted that would ever happen, but I like the thought, I'm going to try and be a realist instead, all the positivity where it's due, but nothing so dispointing as false hope.
It would seem that happiness has struck me recently, I'm not completely sure where from, but I do put some of it down to the workouts. Unfortunately ill health has struck me recently, but the smiles haven't dwindled too much, and I aim to kick it all back up again in the next few days, I have the hardware, now for the software...
The only other thing I can think of is work, I want to knuckle down to it and do good at it. I'm a bit behind I'll admit, but I have to potential to excel, and I hope to do so with enough effort put in.
To be honest I really don't have much more for the new years resolutions; health, happiness, and hard working. I quite often talk (complain) about 'love' but right now I'm more than content with my situation, and have now goals for the year so to speak.
I guess the last thing I want to say is thankyou, it's been a long and often hard 10months, but I've had a few dedicated and some more occasional readers. Without readers this blog isn't really anything, so just letting you know I do appreciate it.
Until next time, I'll try and come up with a new 2011 sign-off.
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