Why is it that as soon as one thing starts going well, everything else seems to go to shit? It never seems to happen sequentially either, they don't take it in turns to go to pot, everything happens at once.
Today has been pretty shit. I get rejected from a job application. I sit down to do some work that should be simple, and I just hit error after error without explanation. I now have a relatively future defining presentation to give in ~40hours, about a topic I have yet to choose, and I can't even start work on it now, because I have other deadline of essential things to hit before it.
My minds all over the place right now, and piling all this pressure on top of it really isn't helping. I find myself angry, in a strangely large quantity for me. I'm not angry at all the outward factors that would be so easy to blame though. I'm angry at myself... for letting it get this way again.
It seems that every time I get a wakeup call I declare how different things will be. I say "not next time" and spend 12hours being productive to fool myself. Then I drop back into the same old ways, and wonder where I went wrong. Well I didn't go wrong... I am wrong. I really need to stop fucking up.
You'd think that the logic behind putting in 3 years of hard work to set myself up for life would draw pretty simple conclusions, and evoke the obvious response from me. Yet still I procrastinate (and complain about it).
3 weeks ago, after some terrible results, I vowed it'd all be different, that I'd go to every lecture, and try hard, take notes, and not leave it all to the last minute. But where am I now? I have 3 weeks worth of Mondays to catch up on; several lectures in 2 of my other 4 modules; I'm letting my team down just one week into the new project; and I'm pissing away what is potentially my one chance at doing what I want next year. As for the lectures I do attend... I can't remember the last one where I wasn't text/IM ing someone, or trawling through facebook / reddit. I have nobody to blame for this but myself, but I don't know how to change me... I could sit here and vow to go to all my lectures and try harder... but I know it wouldn't last long; none of my personal goals ever seem to... I don't know why I bother sometimes.
Another thing, I'm allowing myself to be fully distracted in my usual work hours as well, or miss complete days of uni without so much as a second thought. 'Why?' you may ask... well, seems I've again been crippled by an Achilles' heel... though that implies an external fault... this is entirely my own fault. When there's a girl involved, I seem to think it right to put all else on hold for her, drop anything I'm doing when we're talking, and leave anything behind to see her... without any thought as to their importance. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I know I shouldn't, but I do anyway, as if failing my degree would be the perfect way to get the girl. Oh and for those wondering, the post I made early this morning... that was relating to said girl... I finally MTFU'd and confessed my feeling. I'm not going to go into huge amounts of detail, but it only took me 6months, and I did it face to face... so I'm improving (Y) </tangent>.
I hate how all this ends up playing out on my brain. I end up stressed and pushed for time. Being pushed for time stresses me further. Cycling relieves the stress, but leaves me even more pushed for time. Then all this playing on my mind stops me sleeping... I have trouble enough shutting down as it is... and of course lack of sleep will both stress me and slow me down, causing a direct feed into both sources of my problem... and the more tired and stressed I get... the less rationally I think about all the many things I'm worrying about. If you followed all that, you'll see why I'm well and truly head fucked right now. I doubt I'd sleep tonight, even if I wanted to. But I should try. Can't let insomnia rule me... well not too much anyway.
Sorry for how this one is set out... I'll speak better to you soon... ah who am I kidding... peace x
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