I Swear, I'm Retarded.

So last night was... Erm... Different?

I'll admit I was a fool, and not just for the content of the last post. Last night I washed down an oversized dose of sleeping pills with half a bottle of spirit. That was dumb. I'm not proud of it. But I'm not certain I regret it. The state I was in I just needed to shut my brain down, and quiet the voices in my head. I'm not saying that's a good way to do it, I wish I knew a better one, but it does work.

I slept well last night, it was nice to have my first dream in a long time, and feel pretty good today. I'm not saying my brain isn't full of worry about things, but it's prepared to accept reason as a strong possibility, and really, for me that's bloody good.

I'm going to try and work on a system for those nights, one that doesn't involve drugs of any kind. As soon as I can wear a helmet again I'll give night rides a go. Strap a light on and go blitz a circuit of the nearest wood, it's one drug for me unlike any other. But then this isn't perfect, because it will significantly reduce my sleep hours... I'll try keep you posted x

Not knowing is the worst

Maybe I'm alone in this, but when I don't know, my brain tends to come up with 1001 worst-case scenarios, without giving the logical more realistic options a look-in.

While I hate to admit it, alot of these posts are mainly about a girl, so please call me a broken record and close the tab where appropriate.

It seem there are up days and down days. The ups are like crack to me, I can't get enough, I feel great when I'm on them. But the downs are killing me. It's stupid to take a non-reply and read something into it. But I have no idea why it happens. I think I've offended her. I think she's gone off me, or that the texting is bugging her. It's not until 10hours later trying to calm my mind down when I try to tell myself more logical explanations like busy or dead battery, and even now when I'm being "rational" my brain rejects these without a second thought.

Yes, this is pathetic, but this is what GAD does to me. At times I really can't take it. I've been noticing a correlation, a trend if you will. It seems the amount I am effected by this, relates directly to how emotionally attached I am to someone. When it first became enough of an issue for me to do anything about it, I was in love. I ended up having sessions with a psychiatrist. When it played up last year, I was seeing someone. Now, I can feel it's effects taking hold on my brain, on my thoughts, on my actions... and I'm falling for someone. Makes me wonder at times if my brain is simply not programmed for love (not that I'm saying this is love)... and I choose the word programmed carefully, it seems to work in logic, and logic alone. Emotions just mess with the system (now I sound like a psychopath).

I've run out of steam on this chain of thought, So I'll sign off now, more soon I'm sure x

Emotional / Relational ...

In a way this is the real topic of the post, but also the one I am most unsure about what I'm going to end up saying. I really wish I knew where I stand. while I love aspects of the position I'm in right now, but I honestly can't tell you where I'll be in a months time, and part of that worries me... not overly, just in a hating to repeatedly waste so much of my life to return to square one with nothing gained but bad memories.

I know I'm young, but I can't help but feel I've wasted my "youth", I know I've learned so much... but I seem to not put any of it into practice, rendering the lessons useless, I'm pretty much on repeat of the same situation again and again, just escalating the build-up and shoot down... for fear of sounding like my vagina is coming along nicely... I'm genuinely afraid of getting hurt this time, properly, and I was warned I might be (I explained this in a post that never made it to the blog).

There's a word I hate to use, I'm not even going to disgrace this post with it's presence, but I fear I might be under it's influence. I know it's stupid, and I'm disgracing it by even thinking it... I can see the faces now of a few of you as you read this... but the feeling reminds me of way back when (the part where I was happy... before the other 3 years of crap).

I think my read on the situation is terrible. Ask me after one conversation and I'll tell you things couldn't be better, ask me the next and I'll tell you they couldn't be worse. I forget that there are so many other factors than just the ones in plane face, and I read everything that isn't clearly defined as the worst it could possibly be. I don't mean to be a pessimist, but it seems that's my brain's natural reaction to the uncertain.

To conclude this post as best as I can my thoughts. I guess I have to wait. Wait to see what happens when next anything can... and until then, keep doing what I have been and hope that what I'm doing is constructive for both of our sakes...

I Kinda Felt Like Posting...

It's been a little while since my last post (I honestly don't know how long) but I felt the need/want to update, so here goes:

Swings and Roundabouts... a phrase I never truly understood, but it certainly applies here.

Fitness wise I'm good. I've been training (cycling) but more of that on it's own blog.

Sadly I can't say the same for work. I had all these plans to do work / revision ect all holiday, be really proactive and get lots done, hitting the end of the holidays ahead and fully ready for exams and kicking some butt in the summer exams. So far I've done nothing, half way through the holiday, and I've done sweet FA. I have nobody to blame but myself, but of course I will try...

I'll blame the town: it's a real love hate relationship I have with it. I love being "home", the free food (not having to worry too much about money) and being able to see some of my best friends. But at the same time the temptation to do something other than work is huge, I'm seeing a bunch of people who aren't in my boat, I'm not used to it. I'm not for a minute blaming the people, I love them... but I am hating on the town a little. There's also something about it that drives laziness deep into me... I was up and active before 9 most days at uni, here 12 is an early day... my routine hasn't changed, so to be honest I can't put my finger on what's actually causing it, but it doesn't seem to happen anywhere else.

Emotional/Relational. -shifted to next post-

Mood: Very much up and down, sadly not of the bi-winning kind. My sleeping has been good (for me) the introduction of a wakeup incentive is good, even if going to sleep has been difficult at times, it just punishes my laps with tiredness. I found a pack of old sleeping pills on the floor, so I might be knocking myself out with them every now and then. Depression is definitely there at times. I really don't know why at times, it just comes on and hits me hard. I would say I've "turned to drink" to help cope, but this would imply that it's a recent change... I've noticed it now for the past month or two that I've hit the booze, on my own (IRL), in my room, and often in the dark. I know this isn't healthy, and I know I really should tackle this issue (maybe make no-alcohol part of my training) but until I can find a better system to cope, I don't know what I'll do, part of me seems to think that getting the girl will instantly trigger riding off into the sunset, and that I need do nothing else save wait for that.

As I type this now I realise (amidst replying to the text of a concerned friend who picked up on my tone) how pathetic I sound. Man I wish my brain was different... I'd gladly trade IQ for clarity... I don't want to throw about names of excuses (*conditions) to gain their sympathy (*pity) but if you want to hear my theories I'll tell ya... just don't laugh... that's it for now, I'd say enjoy but it'd seem crass