In a way this is the real topic of the post, but also the one I am most unsure about what I'm going to end up saying. I really wish I knew where I stand. while I love aspects of the position I'm in right now, but I honestly can't tell you where I'll be in a months time, and part of that worries me... not overly, just in a hating to repeatedly waste so much of my life to return to square one with nothing gained but bad memories.
I know I'm young, but I can't help but feel I've wasted my "youth", I know I've learned so much... but I seem to not put any of it into practice, rendering the lessons useless, I'm pretty much on repeat of the same situation again and again, just escalating the build-up and shoot down... for fear of sounding like my vagina is coming along nicely... I'm genuinely afraid of getting hurt this time, properly, and I was warned I might be (I explained this in a post that never made it to the blog).
There's a word I hate to use, I'm not even going to disgrace this post with it's presence, but I fear I might be under it's influence. I know it's stupid, and I'm disgracing it by even thinking it... I can see the faces now of a few of you as you read this... but the feeling reminds me of way back when (the part where I was happy... before the other 3 years of crap).
I think my read on the situation is terrible. Ask me after one conversation and I'll tell you things couldn't be better, ask me the next and I'll tell you they couldn't be worse. I forget that there are so many other factors than just the ones in plane face, and I read everything that isn't clearly defined as the worst it could possibly be. I don't mean to be a pessimist, but it seems that's my brain's natural reaction to the uncertain.
To conclude this post as best as I can my thoughts. I guess I have to wait. Wait to see what happens when next anything can... and until then, keep doing what I have been and hope that what I'm doing is constructive for both of our sakes...
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