Where the fuck is my sense of self worth?

It seems I can't do anything for me, I've been trying all morning to get myself to revise and nothing has worked. Yet as soon as she comes online, as soon as I'm doing it for her, I find motivation I thought was beyond myself. It's stupid. I don't know why I'm like this. I'd always viewed myself as someone who did things for me. If I change who I am, I do it because I want to, not for anyone else, with all due respect, fuck the world.

For a lot of my life, I'd always been trying to be what someone else wanted me to be. Throughout a lot of school I was doing my best for my parent's. I always felt like I was compared to my sister. So trying to beat her academically was my way of being accepted by my parents. Then there was the big ex. Strangely for her I was less than what I could have been, I threw a fair bit away for her, but it was still motivation.

Then I don't really know what there was after that. I cruised a bit, got by for a while on natural ability, I regret not making the most of exams that will define the rest of my life. With hind-sight perhaps I should have taken a year out at this point. Fucked off round the world and found myself, then came back and actually tried hard. But the realist in me agrees with the sceptic who says it wouldn't have changed anything.

So now I find myself in a strange place. I really want to do something for me. Make something of myself that I can be proud of, regardless of what everyone else thinks. With cycling this is easy to a degree, but it's always going to come down to wanting to be better than others, my desire to compete consumes me in that respect. But this much is only good while I stick with it, short of me getting signed (which while I like to dream, I'm 99% sure I never will be) it's not going to effect the rest of my life greatly. My degree on the other hand will do. I want to do it, and do it well for me. I'm hoping that working and living in London for a year will help me man the fuck up, grow the fuck up and come back to do well at it, not for my parents, not for her, but for me.

Don't get me wrong here, I love my course. But I'm not sure it's the one I wanted to do. I knew what I wanted to do before I came here, but was persuaded to be more general as it was too specialist. I'm not sure I regret it, but sometimes when I see those modules that I crush with ease and seem to have infinite inspiration/motivation for, I can't help but wonder if I might have been better off. I'm strongly considering diversifying into a masters in my specific. I'll do a lot better in it, I'll enjoy it, it'll propel me into that field, and if I don't manage the 1st I should really be getting comfortably in this... well it'll top it up and overshadow it. I'll leave Uni with the final qualification that represents my ability.

"When you please others in hopes of being accepted, you lose you self-worth in the process." - Dave Pelzer

Trends of Social Media

It seems the "Fuck-Up" is step one to "Famous", a lot of virals are people who are just stupid, getting views for all the wrong reasons. Some of them actually believe they're getting general public appeal, when really we just love to see them fail. I would almost feel sorry for them if it wasn't for how much their stupidity offends me.

I have no love for "Dun Goofed" and the likes, if someone on the internet has taken pleasure in mocking you, then how his videoing and uploading yourself crying about it and saying more of the same things you were mocked for originally going to help things?

Or an ever growing trend in people ranting about things that piss them off or "offend" them (yes I appreciate the irony but bear with me those who call hypocrisy). This IS okay in itself, but try to form a logical argument. When you're complaining about hating by hating on someone else, you're a part of the problem, not the solution. I'm sure you've all the one (or atleast seen national tv spoofs of [yes it got that much fame]) the ginger kid who was angry about the gingers don't have souls joke. His argument is he must have a soul because he's a christian (laughable in itself) but that means he's not only taking the bait, but then goes onto swear, preach hate, and wish death upon others (not very commandment abiding). Now this part of my argument is weak yes, the bit that gets me is where he later goes on to say (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't want it to bleed my ears again) "If you don't like me, fair enough..." (I thought good, now say but keep nasty things to yourself or other such reasonable gesture) only to flip right around, stutter and brake into "but if you don't like me, then fuck you, go kill yourself!" ... AreYouFuckingKiddingMe, and you wonder why people hate on that?

Now this isn't a reaction post, I hate giving them the press (hence the lack of links). It's been something I've been thinking for a while, but was sparked on to write it today when I called a rising "star" on it. The video was essentially an irate middle-aged black man complaining about racial stereotyping and how the a black cgi robot had been given a gold tooth. Now I'm not being racist but... (LOL JK) this guy is exercising a lot of the stereotypes he sits in his BMW and complains about. So I call him on it with a simple comment "make video about stereotyping, wear 3 necklaces." His reply "It's actually two, Moron. The invite was in error. Disregard." I had to laugh, 2 (though it's quite clearly 3) chains IS very much the kind of bling he was complaining about, and the smarter of the two of us had managed to accidentally send a friend request to me while trying to reply to a comment (I'm really not sure how).

Yes, before anyone points it out, I realise this is a rant, complaining about people ranting, on a blog with the primary purpose of being a soapbox for me to stand upon to rant; but I feel (or at least hope) that I present slightly more logical arguments. If not, feel free to call me on it, Moron.